The sun will come out tomorrow.
One line, from one song – six words total – are the most important words one can cling to when dealing with grief from the loss of a loved one during the holiday season.
I can’t express enough my gratitude for the mass of support I got from my Face Book friends when I posted about being null of emotions in the last few weeks.
I lost my dad in August and my father-in-law in late November. I have seen close friends lose members of their families in the last few years and it just started taking a toll.
It is the holiday season when it seems to be the worst because the holidays are a time to rejoice with family members, but when you get there and a beloved family member is no longer with us, there is a void that is impossible to replace.
What hit me was not depression, although I can understand why some of my friends thought so, but rather the realization of the finality of death from a physical nature. There were times I began to question my faith.
I was sad and hurt to experience these losses, but I decided that was not going to happen any longer. I am a very strong person emotionally, but for a time I decided I was not going to feel emotions.
No happiness, no sadness. No highs and lows. Nothing. Can’t be hurt if I don’t feel anything.
I have always been a believer you can solve any issues you may have by yourself. It does help to have support, but the end of the day, it comes down to how you handle the issues that confront you. Detaching from feeling was never going to be a permanent thing for me, it was just that I needed to process and rationalize. I just needed to reboot.
It is not something everyone can do and one of my daughters reminded me of this during my time of being in a void.
She told me, “Dad, you have always been the strong one and the one person to tell us that someone always has it worse and to be happy and embrace what you have right in front of you. I want that Dad back.”
He’s back honey.
I have been blessed with the ability to rationalize and adjust to whatever situation faces me.
It is the approach you take when dealing with the holiday season after losing loved ones that makes it easier to push through.
While this is the first go around for me and my wife without one of our parents, we know this is sting we will carry with us the rest of our lives. I have numerous friends that have been experiencing this for years and they talk about it always being with them.
Missing a loved one during the holiday season is something you should always do, but for me it is now using the memories to bring to the forefront everything they meant to me and what they did for me as a person. It’s a celebration.
I have been able to do this when it has come to losing friends over the years. I lost one of my closest high school friends just a little over a month after we graduated from Amador.
I lost one of my oldest friends and college roommates at Chico State to cancer roughly 15 years ago. But it wasn’t until the last five months the feelings of losing a parent came to the forefront.
The emotions were different, yet the same. During my three-weeks of living in a void, there was one inescapable feeling that kept coming to the front of my mind and it is this:
You live your life to honor the legacy of your departed friends and family members.
I have given the advice to friends in the past that your parents would want you to enjoy life and not fall apart. Parents bust their ass to make sure their kids have a great life.
Once they pass, their spirit is going to want the same. Step back and think about how they will feel looking down on you. They want you to live life to the fullest. Enjoy each day. It was time for me to heed my own advice.
This is the same advice I’ve offered to friends that have lost children or friends.
Celebrate their lives and don’t let their passing control and consume your life. They would not want that, and it is because of that we step up and embrace life and what comes with it daily.
As always, it is easier to offer advice than it is to take it, but I hope that if you take the time to read this and have felt the suffering that comes with the loss of any loved one, you can take these words to heart.
Know that your loved one wants you to be happy. They know you love and miss them, but you need to understand that your happiness means the world to them.
To not embrace their legacy and live your life is to not respect what they meant to your life. Going forward and living life is showing the world how wonderful a person we lost. You are cementing their legacy.
There are always going to be some dark times, and you never know what might trigger the sadness. But as the clouds over your head may seem like they are never going to pass, there is always one thing to remember.
The sun will come out tomorrow.
Merry Christmas to each and every one of you and here’s hoping laughs and smiles will permeate this holiday season as we celebrate the living and remember the loved ones no longer with us.
By Dennis Miller